1 00:00:02,000 --> 00:00:04,480 Everyone said the first year of a uni degree doesn't count. 2 00:00:04,480 --> 00:00:07,760 It's something that happened, but of no real value whatsoever. 3 00:00:07,760 --> 00:00:10,520 A bit like when Liz Truss was Prime Minister 4 00:00:10,520 --> 00:00:12,320 or Jade joined the Sugababes. 5 00:00:12,320 --> 00:00:15,800 It ultimately provided absolutely nothing. 6 00:00:15,800 --> 00:00:18,600 ♪ We cum at the same time 7 00:00:18,600 --> 00:00:21,480 ♪ You make it feel like the first time 8 00:00:21,480 --> 00:00:22,960 ♪ Promise, never tell a lie... ♪ 9 00:00:22,960 --> 00:00:24,440 But for me, first year of uni 10 00:00:24,440 --> 00:00:26,640 was where I started to discover myself. 11 00:00:26,640 --> 00:00:30,000 I left my cushty home as a full-time closeted mummy's boy 12 00:00:30,000 --> 00:00:32,040 and entered the world of Brent Uni, 13 00:00:32,040 --> 00:00:35,520 which ranked at number 138 out of 139 14 00:00:35,520 --> 00:00:37,320 for student satisfaction. 15 00:00:37,320 --> 00:00:38,720 Oh, shit. 16 00:00:38,720 --> 00:00:40,600 I tried drugs, butt plugs. 17 00:00:40,600 --> 00:00:42,200 I even drank some poppers. 18 00:00:42,200 --> 00:00:43,240 I can taste metal. 19 00:00:43,240 --> 00:00:45,480 But mostly I made pals with this lot. 20 00:00:45,480 --> 00:00:48,320 Yemi, student fashion icon and gay best friend. 21 00:00:48,320 --> 00:00:50,240 He's like the agony aunt on This Morning 22 00:00:50,240 --> 00:00:52,760 if she were Nigerian and into piss play. 23 00:00:52,760 --> 00:00:54,800 Corinne, the scariest Scottish woman 24 00:00:54,800 --> 00:00:57,960 since the mum who called her kids "disgusting" 25 00:00:57,960 --> 00:00:59,520 for leaving a shit in the toilet. 26 00:00:59,520 --> 00:01:02,120 But she was a total babe. 27 00:01:02,120 --> 00:01:04,080 And finally, there was you. 28 00:01:04,080 --> 00:01:07,520 Somehow, despite the fact you bought yourself Linx Africa gift sets 29 00:01:07,520 --> 00:01:10,680 and didn't find Jeremy Clarkson's bullshit books unbearable... 30 00:01:13,080 --> 00:01:16,440 ...you still became one of the best mates that I'd ever had. 31 00:01:18,200 --> 00:01:20,680 And whilst I fucked up trying to figure out who I was... 32 00:01:22,760 --> 00:01:25,400 ...you were dealing with struggles of your own. 33 00:01:27,480 --> 00:01:29,320 So after failing first year, 34 00:01:29,320 --> 00:01:31,560 you came to live with me and Mum that summer, 35 00:01:31,560 --> 00:01:33,800 and for the first time since Dad died, 36 00:01:33,800 --> 00:01:36,800 I felt part of a proper family home. 37 00:01:36,800 --> 00:01:39,880 And you finally opened up about how you hadn't always felt 38 00:01:39,880 --> 00:01:41,720 part of one either. 39 00:01:42,720 --> 00:01:45,920 ALARM BEEPS RAISED MUFFLED VOICES 40 00:01:45,920 --> 00:01:48,160 What you done with it? What you done with it? 41 00:01:48,160 --> 00:01:50,080 SIGHS MUM, MUFFLED: ..I'm a monster. 42 00:01:50,080 --> 00:01:51,760 I just bought her a pint! 43 00:01:51,760 --> 00:01:53,760 I bought her a pint. Yeah, all right. 44 00:01:53,760 --> 00:01:55,360 What you taking an attitude for? 45 00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:57,440 I bought her a pint because it's MY money, isn't it? 46 00:01:57,440 --> 00:01:59,640 I've got a job coming! Cos I told you, 47 00:01:59,640 --> 00:02:01,240 Troy's gonna pay me! 48 00:02:01,240 --> 00:02:04,200 THEY CONTINUE ARGUING 49 00:02:04,200 --> 00:02:05,640 ...sick of hearing you say that! 50 00:02:05,640 --> 00:02:07,160 You're talking rubbish! Where's my top? 51 00:02:07,160 --> 00:02:09,360 ♪ Don't want to lose you 52 00:02:09,360 --> 00:02:15,560 ♪ Don't want to lose you... ♪ You're driving me mad! 53 00:02:15,560 --> 00:02:17,600 You once told me about the time your parents rowed 54 00:02:17,600 --> 00:02:19,720 so bad they forgot to take you to school. 55 00:02:19,720 --> 00:02:22,920 How, on this occasion, they both didn't come back for days, 56 00:02:22,920 --> 00:02:25,640 each one believing the other one was home with you. 57 00:02:27,120 --> 00:02:30,400 BRAKES SCREECH So you were just stood at your door 58 00:02:30,400 --> 00:02:31,960 completely by yourself. 59 00:02:33,880 --> 00:02:37,560 ♪ Your body's awful 60 00:02:37,560 --> 00:02:40,120 ♪ The very shape... ♪ 61 00:02:40,120 --> 00:02:41,520 And that was the day... 62 00:02:41,520 --> 00:02:44,200 Hello? SIGHS 63 00:02:44,200 --> 00:02:46,480 ...you left and moved in with your nan. 64 00:02:50,720 --> 00:02:52,120 Hurry up, Danny. 65 00:02:59,080 --> 00:03:01,240 My dad had one wish for his 60th - 66 00:03:01,240 --> 00:03:04,400 that we all pilgrimage to the most beautiful spot in Watford. 67 00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:06,960 Somewhere he'd go after chemo that would provide solace 68 00:03:06,960 --> 00:03:09,200 and clarity of thought. So we went to the... 69 00:03:09,200 --> 00:03:12,360 ♪ Pub! Pub! We're going to the pub! 70 00:03:12,360 --> 00:03:16,320 ♪ Shannon's planning a party that You're all gonna love! 71 00:03:16,320 --> 00:03:18,120 Well, it's not a pub as such. 72 00:03:18,120 --> 00:03:20,600 It's more like a sports and social club. 73 00:03:20,600 --> 00:03:23,120 It's rough as dogs, more like. Shut up, posh spice. 74 00:03:23,120 --> 00:03:24,600 Thank you, Corinne. 75 00:03:24,600 --> 00:03:27,840 Jack's become a real snob since being the first to go uni. 76 00:03:27,840 --> 00:03:31,080 The other day he made me try choriz-EE-o. 77 00:03:31,080 --> 00:03:32,280 It's actually chori-THO. 78 00:03:32,280 --> 00:03:33,360 Nah, it's actually not. 79 00:03:33,360 --> 00:03:35,960 I was a holiday rep in Magaluf and they all just say chor-IZZO. 80 00:03:35,960 --> 00:03:37,840 Can you all just hurry up a bit, please? 81 00:03:37,840 --> 00:03:41,720 Because I've planned a very good finger buffet that is going stale. 82 00:03:41,720 --> 00:03:44,280 A finger buffet for a dead man's birthday. 83 00:03:44,280 --> 00:03:47,040 Ooh. Will there be chorizo? 84 00:03:47,040 --> 00:03:50,640 And crudites with sweet chilli sauce? GIGGLES 85 00:03:50,640 --> 00:03:53,520 I remember a time without sweet chilli sauce. 86 00:03:53,520 --> 00:03:56,000 Yes, and it was shit, wasn't it?! 87 00:03:56,000 --> 00:03:58,680 Britain before sweet chilli sauce was shit, actually. 88 00:03:58,680 --> 00:04:02,600 And now it's bearable, so come on! 89 00:04:03,760 --> 00:04:06,040 Here we are. Yours first, darling. 90 00:04:06,040 --> 00:04:07,080 Thank you. 91 00:04:07,080 --> 00:04:08,640 For you. Lovely, thank you. 92 00:04:09,960 --> 00:04:12,640 Here we are, ladies. Thanks, Nan. Here's yours. 93 00:04:15,480 --> 00:04:16,480 Oh, yeah. 94 00:04:17,680 --> 00:04:20,040 Your mum did tell me you're a gay boy now. 95 00:04:30,120 --> 00:04:32,800 MUFFLED LAUGHTER Grab your old man stool. 96 00:04:32,800 --> 00:04:35,680 So, as my cousin Shannon tried to pull the pub chef 97 00:04:35,680 --> 00:04:37,280 who fingered her in year 11, 98 00:04:37,280 --> 00:04:39,760 my nan gambled away her basic state pension 99 00:04:39,760 --> 00:04:42,880 and I sat surrounded by shit chat about Nick Clegg, 100 00:04:42,880 --> 00:04:46,200 a mobile DJ called Keith interrupted every song with an anecdote 101 00:04:46,200 --> 00:04:47,960 about footie or X Factor, or how... 102 00:04:47,960 --> 00:04:49,800 This party can't go on all night. 103 00:04:49,800 --> 00:04:51,400 Got to get back to my wife. 104 00:04:51,400 --> 00:04:53,120 Keith didn't have a wife. 105 00:04:53,120 --> 00:04:54,880 And as you'd just got back into uni, 106 00:04:54,880 --> 00:04:57,800 you were adamant to find us all a home that you'd always dreamed of. 107 00:04:57,800 --> 00:05:00,360 So, I'm thinking one of them big American fridges, yeah? 108 00:05:00,360 --> 00:05:03,280 A garden flat enough for a hot tub, like, a bathroom with a bidet. 109 00:05:03,280 --> 00:05:05,360 Ooh. A bidet is a gift to a bottom. 110 00:05:05,360 --> 00:05:07,520 Do you just make everything about gay sex? 111 00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:09,080 I wasn't. 112 00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,360 Danny, are you going to be able to find somewhere nice? 113 00:05:11,360 --> 00:05:13,560 Because, you know, second year of our degree actually counts. 114 00:05:13,560 --> 00:05:16,080 Yes, and I'm going to need some pretty private quarters, 115 00:05:16,080 --> 00:05:19,200 as I have quite a few gentlemen of the night who frequent. 116 00:05:19,200 --> 00:05:21,280 You don't need to be polite around me, darl. 117 00:05:21,280 --> 00:05:23,320 I know you love cock. LAUGHTER 118 00:05:23,320 --> 00:05:24,960 All right, listen, I'm going to find us 119 00:05:24,960 --> 00:05:27,240 a beautiful little family home, all right? Don't worry about it. 120 00:05:27,240 --> 00:05:29,040 And I love having lots of people around me, 121 00:05:29,040 --> 00:05:31,920 even if they are complete strangers from Grindr. 122 00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,240 Can I just say... Yeah? 123 00:05:33,240 --> 00:05:34,560 ...not to be racist, 124 00:05:34,560 --> 00:05:37,000 but I have never lived with two whole Caucasians before. 125 00:05:37,000 --> 00:05:38,400 Oh, babe, you'll be grand. 126 00:05:38,400 --> 00:05:41,320 My mum's so white me and dad have our own cupboard in the kitchen 127 00:05:41,320 --> 00:05:43,880 because her seasoning capabilities are fucking shocking. 128 00:05:46,520 --> 00:05:49,240 I used to spend a lot of time in here as a kid, 129 00:05:49,240 --> 00:05:51,640 mostly cos it was always too loud and laddy 130 00:05:51,640 --> 00:05:54,720 and cos I had really bad IBS. 131 00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:57,920 PERSON CLEARS THROAT 132 00:06:00,760 --> 00:06:02,560 Oh, my God. 133 00:06:03,560 --> 00:06:06,000 I haven't told Jack that we've been smoking weed all summer. 134 00:06:06,000 --> 00:06:07,680 Oh. Thank you. 135 00:06:07,680 --> 00:06:09,960 Don't need an earful from my own son. 136 00:06:13,040 --> 00:06:16,280 You know, I might ask out Corinne. 137 00:06:16,280 --> 00:06:17,560 You should. 138 00:06:17,560 --> 00:06:20,240 Yeah. She's got a great arse. 139 00:06:20,240 --> 00:06:22,000 Mm, she does have a great arse. 140 00:06:22,000 --> 00:06:24,120 I mean, we both do. GIGGLES 141 00:06:24,120 --> 00:06:25,840 I just think we'd be really good together. 142 00:06:26,880 --> 00:06:28,400 Babe... 143 00:06:28,400 --> 00:06:30,800 ...sometimes you just got to go for it. 144 00:06:31,840 --> 00:06:34,440 Like, would you ever want to date again? 145 00:06:34,440 --> 00:06:36,160 Maybe. 146 00:06:36,160 --> 00:06:37,320 Don't tell Jack. 147 00:06:39,000 --> 00:06:40,880 Problem with blokes my age 148 00:06:40,880 --> 00:06:43,800 is the good ones are taken 149 00:06:43,800 --> 00:06:46,080 and the rest are, like, perverts, 150 00:06:46,080 --> 00:06:48,560 alkies or can't get it up. 151 00:06:49,560 --> 00:06:52,200 To be fair, I think that's the same with blokes of all ages. 152 00:06:53,760 --> 00:06:56,640 And so I got down on my knees 153 00:06:56,640 --> 00:07:00,680 after finally coming out during the gayest summer in British history, 154 00:07:00,680 --> 00:07:04,080 with the first gay weddings, first drag winner of Eurovision 155 00:07:04,080 --> 00:07:06,440 and first album from Kylie in years 156 00:07:06,440 --> 00:07:07,720 and I... 157 00:07:07,720 --> 00:07:10,240 Oh, fuck! My eye! Ah! 158 00:07:10,240 --> 00:07:11,480 ♪ It's in your eye... ♪ 159 00:07:11,480 --> 00:07:14,320 ...got a mobile DJ's cock in the eye. 160 00:07:14,320 --> 00:07:15,920 Keith, you in here? 161 00:07:15,920 --> 00:07:18,240 ZIPPING Just coming, love. Your record player's jammed 162 00:07:18,240 --> 00:07:21,240 and all we can hear is, "It's Britney, bitch" over and over. 163 00:07:22,520 --> 00:07:24,280 Hey, you all right, Gabriel? What's going on? 164 00:07:24,280 --> 00:07:25,520 We need to go now. 165 00:07:25,520 --> 00:07:26,560 What? What's that? 166 00:07:26,560 --> 00:07:28,200 Hang on, has someone just started on you? 167 00:07:28,200 --> 00:07:30,120 No, no, no, I just need to go, OK? 168 00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:31,960 You got a dick in the eye, didn't you? 169 00:07:31,960 --> 00:07:33,680 The DJ's been Grindr messaging me all night, 170 00:07:33,680 --> 00:07:35,120 begging me to come to the loo. 171 00:07:35,120 --> 00:07:37,800 What are you doing trying to have sex at your dead dad's 60th? 172 00:07:37,800 --> 00:07:39,320 Respect. I wasn't. 173 00:07:39,320 --> 00:07:42,240 There was a hole in the wall. Hey, what's wrong with your eye? 174 00:07:42,240 --> 00:07:44,120 Nothing. Let me kiss it better. 175 00:07:44,120 --> 00:07:45,160 No! 176 00:07:50,160 --> 00:07:53,160 The problem you have, Jack, is you're going for the wrong guys. 177 00:07:53,160 --> 00:07:55,120 What? I wasn't going for Keith. 178 00:07:55,120 --> 00:07:57,400 I just, I finally come out to everyone, 179 00:07:57,400 --> 00:07:59,360 and yet my sexual life is still a disaster. 180 00:07:59,360 --> 00:08:01,760 It seems to me that you've come out to all of the 181 00:08:01,760 --> 00:08:03,080 important straight people in your life, 182 00:08:03,080 --> 00:08:05,280 but you've forgotten to inform one very crucial group. 183 00:08:05,280 --> 00:08:07,520 Who? The gays, Jack. 184 00:08:07,520 --> 00:08:09,760 You're not proactively doing anything about loving cock. 185 00:08:09,760 --> 00:08:12,400 Being gay isn't just loving cock. 186 00:08:12,400 --> 00:08:13,720 It's quite a prerequisite. 187 00:08:13,720 --> 00:08:17,440 Right, listen. This year, you need to get out there IRL, OK? 188 00:08:17,440 --> 00:08:19,840 Start chatting some lads up. I mean, look. 189 00:08:19,840 --> 00:08:21,760 Take a leaf out of your cousin's book. 190 00:08:26,840 --> 00:08:28,240 Snogging. 191 00:08:28,240 --> 00:08:30,120 For that month before second year, 192 00:08:30,120 --> 00:08:34,000 I read numerous gay self-help books about how not to be scared of anal. 193 00:08:34,000 --> 00:08:37,000 Meanwhile, you became increasingly anal when viewing 194 00:08:37,000 --> 00:08:39,160 any of the available student flats. 195 00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:48,240 ♪ It feels so good to be back 196 00:08:48,240 --> 00:08:50,360 ♪ But our love is gone 197 00:08:50,360 --> 00:08:52,640 ♪ It's our favourite song 198 00:08:52,640 --> 00:08:53,760 ♪ Oh, no 199 00:08:56,640 --> 00:08:58,320 ♪ I could have made a picture... ♪ 200 00:08:58,320 --> 00:09:00,840 Ooh. Are you and her still kinda... 201 00:09:00,840 --> 00:09:02,400 I don't know, maybe. 202 00:09:02,400 --> 00:09:04,120 I quite like her, you know? 203 00:09:04,120 --> 00:09:05,400 She's just so chill. 204 00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,360 Danny! It has been four weeks 205 00:09:07,360 --> 00:09:08,960 since you promised to find us a house 206 00:09:08,960 --> 00:09:10,320 and you've secured fuck all! 207 00:09:10,320 --> 00:09:13,960 Look, I'm just trying to find us an amazing place with a hot tub. 208 00:09:13,960 --> 00:09:15,720 EXHALES EXPLOSIVELY Right. 209 00:09:15,720 --> 00:09:18,720 I am back from Scotland for 24 hours only, 210 00:09:18,720 --> 00:09:22,680 in which time we have to find a house before I scoot off back home 211 00:09:22,680 --> 00:09:25,320 to vote in a referendum for our independence. 212 00:09:25,320 --> 00:09:27,360 So my people are never again lumped with yous lot. 213 00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:29,520 All right, Braveheart. Shoes on, lads. 214 00:09:29,520 --> 00:09:32,240 MUFFLED SCOLDING CONTINUES Aw. I'll miss Scotland if they go. 215 00:09:32,240 --> 00:09:34,880 Hm. I love shortbread. 216 00:09:34,880 --> 00:09:35,920 And... 217 00:09:36,920 --> 00:09:38,600 ...Lorraine. 218 00:09:38,600 --> 00:09:40,440 Thank you. Thank you. 219 00:09:40,440 --> 00:09:43,000 Please be quicker. OK... Please be quicker. 220 00:09:43,000 --> 00:09:45,960 Mm! What a woman! 221 00:09:45,960 --> 00:09:48,320 Christ, Jan! Slow down. 222 00:09:48,320 --> 00:09:50,000 You've nearly done me out a loaf. 223 00:09:50,000 --> 00:09:53,360 I know. I am just so hungry at the moment. 224 00:09:53,360 --> 00:09:56,000 Honestly, you know what they say. If you can smell toast... 225 00:09:56,000 --> 00:09:58,000 You might be having a stroke? 226 00:09:58,000 --> 00:10:01,080 A stroke of luck, that is, because somebody's made toast. 227 00:10:04,400 --> 00:10:06,240 Oh, for the love of God. 228 00:10:06,240 --> 00:10:08,440 CORINNE SIGHS 229 00:10:08,440 --> 00:10:11,200 Take a number. It is first come, first serve 230 00:10:11,200 --> 00:10:13,840 and you may be stood here a little while. 231 00:10:15,080 --> 00:10:18,480 Uh, please do not get Just Eat delivered to this location! 232 00:10:18,480 --> 00:10:21,240 There is no recycling or waste facilities! 233 00:10:21,240 --> 00:10:23,480 God, this is like my X Factor audition. 234 00:10:23,480 --> 00:10:25,080 You auditioned for X factor? 235 00:10:25,080 --> 00:10:26,440 No, no, no, no, no. What? 236 00:10:26,440 --> 00:10:28,680 Yes. Me and my college friends were in a band called 237 00:10:28,680 --> 00:10:30,680 The Slag Pipes. 238 00:10:30,680 --> 00:10:33,000 Well, I auditioned for the S Club Juniors, but they said 239 00:10:33,000 --> 00:10:35,720 the other kids would have never been able to keep up with me. 240 00:10:35,720 --> 00:10:37,240 You once told me you did that. 241 00:10:37,240 --> 00:10:40,040 I just stood and cried when the backing track began. 242 00:10:40,040 --> 00:10:41,560 Dad had to drive me home. 243 00:10:41,560 --> 00:10:43,600 I just really wanted to meet Bradley, you know? Yeah. 244 00:10:43,600 --> 00:10:46,160 ...a lot of properties don't actually have that. If you'd like to go through. 245 00:10:46,160 --> 00:10:48,600 We're never going to get this. Oh, come on, it'll be fine. 246 00:10:48,600 --> 00:10:50,800 This is the first day of the rest of your life. 247 00:10:50,800 --> 00:10:53,240 This is the first day of the rest of your life. 248 00:10:53,240 --> 00:10:55,840 Has it been like this the whole time? 249 00:10:55,840 --> 00:10:56,880 I mean, I don't know. 250 00:10:56,880 --> 00:10:58,960 I've been looking at much nicer houses than this. 251 00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:01,040 Oh, God. What if it's like this for every viewing? 252 00:11:01,040 --> 00:11:03,160 It is. This is one of the most competitive 253 00:11:03,160 --> 00:11:05,680 student property markets in London, if not the world. 254 00:11:05,680 --> 00:11:08,280 Up your game, girls. Play dirty. 255 00:11:08,280 --> 00:11:10,120 I'm sorry. Who is this? 256 00:11:10,120 --> 00:11:14,080 Well, let's just say every year I see friendship groups torn apart 257 00:11:14,080 --> 00:11:15,680 by this process. 258 00:11:15,680 --> 00:11:18,360 In the quest to make a home in this realm. 259 00:11:18,360 --> 00:11:20,520 This other Eden. 260 00:11:20,520 --> 00:11:24,760 This over-expensive demi-Paradise known as Brent. 261 00:11:26,040 --> 00:11:28,800 Right. If we have to play dirty, we're going to get fucking filthy, 262 00:11:28,800 --> 00:11:30,360 boys, this is war. 263 00:11:30,360 --> 00:11:32,200 You actually frighten me, Corinne. 264 00:11:32,200 --> 00:11:34,560 I've had a semi since "Slag Pipes". 265 00:11:34,560 --> 00:11:36,560 Can I see some photos, actually? No. 266 00:11:43,560 --> 00:11:44,880 Oh, hell, no. Oh, shit. 267 00:11:44,880 --> 00:11:47,160 Shit. Shit. Shit. 268 00:11:47,160 --> 00:11:48,960 Right, lads, new plan. 269 00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:52,600 OK? We have to start being the very first four people outside a house. 270 00:11:53,960 --> 00:11:57,000 What if we're the first four people INSIDE the house? 271 00:11:59,400 --> 00:12:01,160 Mate, you don't have to do this. 272 00:12:01,160 --> 00:12:03,200 Shut up, Jack! We need this place. 273 00:12:03,200 --> 00:12:05,400 Worst he'll do is just shatter his collarbone. 274 00:12:05,400 --> 00:12:06,440 What?! 275 00:12:06,440 --> 00:12:07,680 It's fine. You're doing great. 276 00:12:07,680 --> 00:12:10,080 Nicely done, Dan, pal. 277 00:12:10,080 --> 00:12:12,120 Hi. Very nice. 278 00:12:12,120 --> 00:12:14,720 Shit. That's, that's the estate agent's early. 279 00:12:14,720 --> 00:12:16,640 Jack, go and distract him. What, how? 280 00:12:16,640 --> 00:12:19,600 Go and chat him up or something, all right? Get some practice in. 281 00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:22,040 THUDDING CLATTERING We good? 282 00:12:23,360 --> 00:12:24,880 This place is amazing. 283 00:12:24,880 --> 00:12:26,120 Come over! 284 00:12:26,120 --> 00:12:27,600 Just let us in, Danny. 285 00:12:30,240 --> 00:12:31,240 Sharon, darl... 286 00:12:31,240 --> 00:12:33,280 Yeah? I couldn't help but notice 287 00:12:33,280 --> 00:12:35,360 there's sick in the toilet pan. 288 00:12:35,360 --> 00:12:36,880 Yeah, I know. 289 00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:39,440 I was so, so sick when I first got here. 290 00:12:39,440 --> 00:12:41,120 Well, you could have flushed it away. 291 00:12:41,120 --> 00:12:43,920 Well, no, because I keep being sick. 292 00:12:43,920 --> 00:12:47,840 So I've uploaded a picture of the sick to a Facebook group, 293 00:12:47,840 --> 00:12:49,760 right, where this woman called Anoushka Delafonte 294 00:12:49,760 --> 00:12:50,960 analyses your sick, 295 00:12:50,960 --> 00:12:52,520 tells you what's wrong with you, like, 296 00:12:52,520 --> 00:12:54,520 whether it's an allergy or something sinister. 297 00:12:54,520 --> 00:12:57,840 OK. But still, you could have flushed the sick. 298 00:12:57,840 --> 00:13:02,480 Oh, my God! What if Anoushka Delafonte needs more sick pics? 299 00:13:02,480 --> 00:13:03,920 What if she needs a different angle? 300 00:13:03,920 --> 00:13:05,320 What if she needs a sample? 301 00:13:05,320 --> 00:13:06,880 OK, well, I've flushed it, so... 302 00:13:06,880 --> 00:13:08,920 Well... SHARON SCOFFS 303 00:13:08,920 --> 00:13:10,320 ...let's just hope Anoushka doesn't need it 304 00:13:10,320 --> 00:13:12,040 for further inquiry, shall we? 305 00:13:15,080 --> 00:13:16,480 Hello, you. 306 00:13:16,480 --> 00:13:17,720 Hi. 307 00:13:17,720 --> 00:13:19,920 Are you looking for the property? 308 00:13:19,920 --> 00:13:22,840 I'm looking for lots of things, really. 309 00:13:22,840 --> 00:13:25,080 Mates, dates... 310 00:13:26,160 --> 00:13:27,440 ...village fetes. 311 00:13:28,480 --> 00:13:30,040 If you catch my drift. 312 00:13:31,360 --> 00:13:33,680 Well, there's one outside Hemel Hempstead I go to. 313 00:13:33,680 --> 00:13:35,600 And do you come here often? 314 00:13:35,600 --> 00:13:40,760 Erm, well, if a tenant has an issue, I will endeavour to fix it. So... 315 00:13:40,760 --> 00:13:42,400 Cool. 316 00:13:42,400 --> 00:13:43,640 Er, no. No, no, no. 317 00:13:43,640 --> 00:13:46,240 Now, look, I know what you're trying to do. 318 00:13:46,240 --> 00:13:47,960 And you're not going to skip the queue. 319 00:13:47,960 --> 00:13:51,920 And I'm married - to my wife. 320 00:13:51,920 --> 00:13:54,200 I'm just musical theatre trained and used to have a lisp. 321 00:13:59,080 --> 00:14:00,440 I want en suites. 322 00:14:00,440 --> 00:14:02,400 Yeah, go on, fill your boots. 323 00:14:04,720 --> 00:14:06,320 OK, yeah, this is sick. Right? 324 00:14:06,320 --> 00:14:07,520 Yeah, this is sick. 325 00:14:07,520 --> 00:14:09,880 We could make this such a nice little family home. 326 00:14:09,880 --> 00:14:12,640 I'll be out in the garden just, like, chopping wood, topless. 327 00:14:12,640 --> 00:14:13,760 Probably. 328 00:14:13,760 --> 00:14:17,040 You'll be in the kitchen, topless, I imagine. Shut up. 329 00:14:17,040 --> 00:14:19,560 Think of us all having, like, family meals around here 330 00:14:19,560 --> 00:14:21,200 on our shit Ikea plates. 331 00:14:21,200 --> 00:14:23,440 Me and you and our two little gay sons. 332 00:14:23,440 --> 00:14:25,520 CORINNE CHUCKLES Oh, sweet. 333 00:14:25,520 --> 00:14:27,800 Maybe even get some art. Yeah, OK. 334 00:14:27,800 --> 00:14:29,360 Do you know what art is, Danny? 335 00:14:29,360 --> 00:14:31,680 Uh, yes. 336 00:14:31,680 --> 00:14:32,880 I know what art is. 337 00:14:32,880 --> 00:14:35,040 Look at this place. Yeah. 338 00:14:35,040 --> 00:14:38,600 And just think, like, you know, 339 00:14:38,600 --> 00:14:41,480 some nights put the kids to bed... 340 00:14:42,520 --> 00:14:45,160 ...and we can have a little romantic meal for two. 341 00:14:45,160 --> 00:14:47,640 CORINNE LAUGHS What? 342 00:14:47,640 --> 00:14:48,960 I'm being serious. 343 00:14:50,480 --> 00:14:51,480 Like... 344 00:14:52,640 --> 00:14:56,920 ...why not give this a proper go? 345 00:14:58,680 --> 00:14:59,680 Danny... 346 00:15:01,240 --> 00:15:02,360 Corinne. 347 00:15:04,520 --> 00:15:05,600 Um... 348 00:15:06,600 --> 00:15:08,760 Jesus. You know that I love you. 349 00:15:08,760 --> 00:15:11,840 Um, but back in Edinburgh, 350 00:15:11,840 --> 00:15:14,640 I've sort of started seeing somebody. 351 00:15:15,960 --> 00:15:17,880 Oh, God. Oh. 352 00:15:17,880 --> 00:15:19,040 OK, that makes sense. 353 00:15:19,040 --> 00:15:21,680 I didn't, I didn't want to say anything whilst you were getting 354 00:15:21,680 --> 00:15:23,880 back on your feet and I know that we have history, 355 00:15:23,880 --> 00:15:25,240 but I didn't... It's fine. Listen. 356 00:15:25,240 --> 00:15:28,120 It's good. History is history, so... 357 00:15:28,120 --> 00:15:30,200 CORINNE SHRIEKS 358 00:15:34,880 --> 00:15:36,920 ESTATE AGENT SCREAMS 359 00:15:36,920 --> 00:15:39,000 SHARON GASPS 360 00:15:40,640 --> 00:15:42,160 Oh, Shan. What's wrong? 361 00:15:42,160 --> 00:15:44,360 What's Anoushka Delafonte saying? 362 00:15:46,520 --> 00:15:48,560 TOILET FLUSHES Peggy, if I'm pregnant, 363 00:15:48,560 --> 00:15:51,280 who's going to do my kid's party bookings? 364 00:15:51,280 --> 00:15:54,800 You know, I was going to launch my own company next year with Nan! 365 00:15:54,800 --> 00:15:56,960 Shan and Nanigan's Party Planners! 366 00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:58,640 But don't worry about that yet. 367 00:15:58,640 --> 00:16:00,160 We've still got options. 368 00:16:00,160 --> 00:16:03,080 But I wanted to travel round South America. 369 00:16:03,080 --> 00:16:05,600 I was hoping to run the London Marathon. 370 00:16:05,600 --> 00:16:07,760 You know, what if I can't do that now? 371 00:16:07,760 --> 00:16:09,360 Well, that might be a blessing. 372 00:16:09,360 --> 00:16:10,520 Oh, shit. 373 00:16:10,520 --> 00:16:12,640 Oh. What? I've applied to go on Tipping Point. 374 00:16:12,640 --> 00:16:14,840 SHARON CRIES OUT 375 00:16:14,840 --> 00:16:15,880 Firstly... 376 00:16:16,920 --> 00:16:18,160 ...trespass! 377 00:16:18,160 --> 00:16:21,560 Secondly, the decimation of cherished antique teapots! 378 00:16:21,560 --> 00:16:24,600 And thirdly, I'm taking all of you off of our viewings list. 379 00:16:24,600 --> 00:16:26,600 Good luck trying to find somewhere to live now. 380 00:16:26,600 --> 00:16:28,520 What? Fuck's sake! 381 00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,320 I knew this plan was doomed from the start. 382 00:16:30,320 --> 00:16:31,800 Listen, we'll just take it now, OK? 383 00:16:31,800 --> 00:16:33,880 All right, I'll go in there, I'll clean up, OK? 384 00:16:33,880 --> 00:16:36,120 I'll pay for all the damages. You cannot live here anyway. 385 00:16:36,120 --> 00:16:39,480 This is an LGBTQ only house share. 386 00:16:39,480 --> 00:16:41,360 Yeah, I know, but... You knew?! 387 00:16:41,360 --> 00:16:44,000 Yes. Yeah, all right. I was going to tell him I was asexual, 388 00:16:44,000 --> 00:16:45,840 but he can obviously tell I love the puss... 389 00:16:45,840 --> 00:16:46,920 Danny, shut up! 390 00:16:46,920 --> 00:16:48,680 Corinne, you're not LGBT. 391 00:16:48,680 --> 00:16:50,280 Come off it, Jack. I'm obviously bi. 392 00:16:50,280 --> 00:16:51,800 I knew I should have gone solo. 393 00:16:51,800 --> 00:16:54,360 No. You and me were going to find a two-bed at one point. 394 00:16:54,360 --> 00:16:56,640 Oh, what? You both were going to move somewhere without us?! 395 00:16:56,640 --> 00:17:00,040 Jack, you live so close to uni, I can smell your mum's Asda potpourri from here. 396 00:17:00,040 --> 00:17:01,880 YOU leave my mum's potpourri out of this! 397 00:17:01,880 --> 00:17:03,000 Guys... Face it. 398 00:17:03,000 --> 00:17:06,720 We have five days until term starts and we have nowhere to fucking live! 399 00:17:06,720 --> 00:17:08,200 Just live here, then! 400 00:17:08,200 --> 00:17:10,280 All right? You lot just live here. 401 00:17:10,280 --> 00:17:11,960 Just fucking live here. 402 00:17:11,960 --> 00:17:15,560 MELANCHOLY PIANO CHORDS PLAY 403 00:17:18,040 --> 00:17:19,080 Fuck. 404 00:17:22,000 --> 00:17:23,880 Shan! 405 00:17:23,880 --> 00:17:26,160 You've been in there 45 minutes. 406 00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:27,480 Talk to me. 407 00:17:28,720 --> 00:17:29,840 Shan? 408 00:17:32,360 --> 00:17:34,640 Pegs... Oh. 409 00:17:35,960 --> 00:17:38,800 I'm going to have a baby! PEGGY GASPS 410 00:17:38,800 --> 00:17:40,240 Oh, darl! Oh... 411 00:17:40,240 --> 00:17:44,200 ♪ I wanna hold you in my... ♪ THEY CRY LAUGH 412 00:17:47,120 --> 00:17:49,840 Aw! But d'you actually want a baby, though? 413 00:17:49,840 --> 00:17:51,960 Because you wanted to go travelling. 414 00:17:51,960 --> 00:17:53,680 Yeah, and I will. 415 00:17:53,680 --> 00:17:57,280 But I'll just go around Costa del Sol with my son instead. 416 00:17:57,280 --> 00:18:00,120 PEGGY GASPS SHARON LAUGHS Oh, yes! 417 00:18:00,120 --> 00:18:01,160 Aw! 418 00:18:01,160 --> 00:18:03,360 Oh. Anyways, it could be a daughter. 419 00:18:03,360 --> 00:18:04,960 No, it's defs a boy. 420 00:18:04,960 --> 00:18:07,360 Because I've done nine tests and every single one 421 00:18:07,360 --> 00:18:08,920 has come up with a blue cross. 422 00:18:08,920 --> 00:18:10,320 Right. 423 00:18:10,320 --> 00:18:12,240 Can I ask about the father? 424 00:18:12,240 --> 00:18:15,040 Yeah. Can you not, actually? Just because 425 00:18:15,040 --> 00:18:17,240 I'd rather think about that another time. 426 00:18:17,240 --> 00:18:18,720 OK. Yeah. 427 00:18:18,720 --> 00:18:20,760 How are you going to tell Nan? 428 00:18:22,160 --> 00:18:23,840 How are YOU going to tell Nan? 429 00:18:25,040 --> 00:18:26,800 Cos I obviously can't. 430 00:18:26,800 --> 00:18:28,520 Not in my condition. 431 00:18:28,520 --> 00:18:29,720 Oh. 432 00:18:31,760 --> 00:18:34,160 Danny's still not answering. 433 00:18:34,160 --> 00:18:35,880 I was being such a dick. 434 00:18:35,880 --> 00:18:36,960 Don't worry. 435 00:18:36,960 --> 00:18:39,840 He just really wanted us to find a nice place together. 436 00:18:39,840 --> 00:18:42,160 Yeah. OK, let's just get on the emergency housing list 437 00:18:42,160 --> 00:18:43,480 and see what they have. 438 00:18:43,480 --> 00:18:45,640 Ah, well, if it's emergency housing you're after, 439 00:18:45,640 --> 00:18:47,160 I'm afraid there IS an emergency 440 00:18:47,160 --> 00:18:49,440 in that I've run out of emergency and very much waiting 441 00:18:49,440 --> 00:18:51,280 for more emergency to emerge. 442 00:18:51,280 --> 00:18:55,120 So in the meantime, I suggest you find hostels 443 00:18:55,120 --> 00:18:57,120 or boyfriends or... 444 00:18:57,120 --> 00:19:01,040 OK, Jules, this is the second time you've let me down. 445 00:19:01,040 --> 00:19:02,960 Hm. And that's fine, 446 00:19:02,960 --> 00:19:05,760 but Danny needs somewhere stable. 447 00:19:06,800 --> 00:19:09,000 So what I'm going to propose to you 448 00:19:09,000 --> 00:19:10,800 is that you let us back into... 449 00:19:10,800 --> 00:19:11,880 The blue shed? 450 00:19:11,880 --> 00:19:12,960 For all four of us. 451 00:19:12,960 --> 00:19:14,840 We're lodgers, but we're paying full rent. 452 00:19:14,840 --> 00:19:16,080 Yay! Get in! 453 00:19:16,080 --> 00:19:17,200 Come here! 454 00:19:17,200 --> 00:19:19,480 THEY CHUCKLE Oh, my God, are you serious? 455 00:19:19,480 --> 00:19:20,720 Yes. Oh. 456 00:19:20,720 --> 00:19:22,200 Aw! I'm so sorry. 457 00:19:22,200 --> 00:19:24,240 I've been such a twat. I've literally been sat here 458 00:19:24,240 --> 00:19:25,720 looking for two-beds for you and Yemi. 459 00:19:25,720 --> 00:19:27,760 There's no need, pal. We'll get enough shite Ikea plates 460 00:19:27,760 --> 00:19:28,800 for the four of us. 461 00:19:28,800 --> 00:19:30,280 OK. Yeah? I'm getting my room back. 462 00:19:30,280 --> 00:19:31,520 Yeah, you are. 463 00:19:31,520 --> 00:19:33,800 Yeah? Let's just keep the baby thing - 464 00:19:33,800 --> 00:19:35,840 all the detail - from Jack's gang, please. 465 00:19:35,840 --> 00:19:38,000 I really want to make a big impact on Facebook 466 00:19:38,000 --> 00:19:41,280 when I upload a scan pic, get the likes in, you know. 467 00:19:42,440 --> 00:19:44,400 Sshh! Want some bubbles, gals? 468 00:19:44,400 --> 00:19:45,840 Oh, not for me, thanks. 469 00:19:45,840 --> 00:19:47,200 Come on, we're celebrating. 470 00:19:47,200 --> 00:19:49,800 Yeah, but I can't cos of the baby. 471 00:19:49,800 --> 00:19:51,800 Oh, no. 472 00:19:51,800 --> 00:19:56,440 Jack, can you just pop into the kitchen, please, a minute? 473 00:19:56,440 --> 00:19:59,480 Me and Shan have got something we need to tell you. 474 00:19:59,480 --> 00:20:00,520 OK. 475 00:20:00,520 --> 00:20:02,560 INDISTINCT CHATTER 476 00:20:04,280 --> 00:20:07,040 Right. Well, we heard some news tonight. 477 00:20:08,040 --> 00:20:11,840 And we wouldn't want you to find out from anyone else. 478 00:20:13,160 --> 00:20:14,280 What? What is it? 479 00:20:15,920 --> 00:20:16,960 Well, it's, 480 00:20:16,960 --> 00:20:20,200 it's just been confirmed that... 481 00:20:22,680 --> 00:20:25,520 That Alison Hammond is doing Strictly Come Dancing. 482 00:20:25,520 --> 00:20:27,280 No! Deep breaths. 483 00:20:27,280 --> 00:20:29,160 Deep breaths, deep breaths. Oh, my God! 484 00:20:29,160 --> 00:20:31,680 I'll need to be home every Saturday night to watch it. 485 00:20:31,680 --> 00:20:33,520 No. I told you this was going to happen. 486 00:20:33,520 --> 00:20:36,080 No, no, no, Jack, you need to be more outgoing. 487 00:20:36,080 --> 00:20:39,720 Come home on Sundays hungover and we'll watch together. 488 00:20:40,760 --> 00:20:41,960 Yeah, great idea, Mum. 489 00:20:43,000 --> 00:20:45,200 If I watch it Sundays, 490 00:20:45,200 --> 00:20:47,920 I won't be able to vote in time. 491 00:20:47,920 --> 00:20:49,520 Will I?! 492 00:20:51,840 --> 00:20:53,400 He's nasty to you. 493 00:20:59,960 --> 00:21:01,680 Here you are. Aw, your key? 494 00:21:01,680 --> 00:21:03,920 Thanks for letting me stay this summer. 495 00:21:05,600 --> 00:21:08,200 Yeah. I really do, like... 496 00:21:08,200 --> 00:21:09,680 Any time. 497 00:21:12,480 --> 00:21:14,000 Night-night, Danny. 498 00:21:14,000 --> 00:21:15,200 Night-night, Pegs. 499 00:21:19,320 --> 00:21:25,560 ♪ Like I did... ♪ 500 00:21:25,560 --> 00:21:26,600 Night-night, Laurie. 501 00:21:31,400 --> 00:21:32,800 God, this is weird. 502 00:21:32,800 --> 00:21:35,040 It smells exactly the same, doesn't it? 503 00:21:35,040 --> 00:21:36,640 I know, like dust and jizz. 504 00:21:36,640 --> 00:21:37,800 Dusty jizz. 505 00:21:38,960 --> 00:21:41,760 And so we started our second year at Brent Uni 506 00:21:41,760 --> 00:21:43,960 knowing we had to make it count. 507 00:21:43,960 --> 00:21:45,800 ♪ Let's run away... ♪ 508 00:21:45,800 --> 00:21:46,920 She's nearly here. 509 00:21:48,080 --> 00:21:49,840 Come, come, come, come, come, quick. 510 00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:52,320 ♪ The stars... 511 00:21:52,320 --> 00:21:53,440 Hello?! 512 00:21:54,600 --> 00:21:56,120 Walk. Walk, walk. 513 00:21:56,120 --> 00:21:58,560 ♪ The stars will guide us 514 00:21:58,560 --> 00:22:00,160 ♪ Let's run away... ♪ 515 00:22:00,160 --> 00:22:02,840 Hey! 516 00:22:02,840 --> 00:22:06,120 Freedom! CORINNE LAUGHS 517 00:22:06,120 --> 00:22:08,360 Yeah. We're sorry Scotland didn't go. 518 00:22:08,360 --> 00:22:11,160 But we just wanted to say, whether you ever leave us or not, 519 00:22:11,160 --> 00:22:12,200 we'll never leave you. 520 00:22:12,200 --> 00:22:13,960 You daft pricks. Come here. 521 00:22:13,960 --> 00:22:16,080 Come here. 522 00:22:16,080 --> 00:22:18,600 THEY CHUCKLE Mm! 523 00:22:18,600 --> 00:22:20,160 Aw, very sweet. 524 00:22:20,160 --> 00:22:21,240 Thank you. 525 00:22:21,240 --> 00:22:23,720 Is your new Scottish boyfriend going to be wearing a kilt 526 00:22:23,720 --> 00:22:25,040 every time he comes over? 527 00:22:25,040 --> 00:22:26,440 Spencer's English, sadly. 528 00:22:26,440 --> 00:22:28,520 What? Yes. Just graduated from Edinburgh Uni 529 00:22:28,520 --> 00:22:30,000 and he lives in Highgate. 530 00:22:30,000 --> 00:22:31,200 What does he do? 531 00:22:31,200 --> 00:22:32,640 Is he a twat? 532 00:22:32,640 --> 00:22:34,320 You will take the piss. I won't. 533 00:22:34,320 --> 00:22:36,480 Yes, you will. I won't. 534 00:22:36,480 --> 00:22:38,360 He's a spoken word artist. 535 00:22:41,200 --> 00:22:42,800 I actually think that's really brave. 536 00:22:42,800 --> 00:22:44,680 No, go on, then. Spoken word. 537 00:22:44,680 --> 00:22:45,720 Yeah. Get into it. 538 00:22:45,720 --> 00:22:47,600 Lives unheard 539 00:22:47,600 --> 00:22:48,960 Tales of... 540 00:22:48,960 --> 00:22:50,960 Turds. Oh, fuck off! 541 00:22:50,960 --> 00:22:54,000 And he is coming to stay next week, so can we please just... 542 00:22:54,000 --> 00:22:56,000 Look, I'm happy for you. I am. 543 00:22:59,360 --> 00:23:00,520 Hello, you. 544 00:23:00,520 --> 00:23:02,440 Welcome home. 545 00:23:02,440 --> 00:23:03,840 You OK, mate? 546 00:23:03,840 --> 00:23:05,080 Yeah. 547 00:23:05,080 --> 00:23:06,160 You know. 548 00:23:06,160 --> 00:23:07,840 Onwards and upwards. 549 00:23:07,840 --> 00:23:09,280 I mean, look, now my dick works, 550 00:23:09,280 --> 00:23:11,480 I'm going to be doing a lot more shagging in here, 551 00:23:11,480 --> 00:23:14,040 so you might want to invest in some earplugs. 552 00:23:15,880 --> 00:23:17,000 Same. 553 00:23:17,000 --> 00:23:18,760 I am here, you know. 554 00:23:18,760 --> 00:23:20,200 Sorry, Shannon. Yeah. 555 00:23:20,200 --> 00:23:21,600 Look, thanks for helping us out. 556 00:23:21,600 --> 00:23:24,080 Nah, who am I to talk? I'm the one that's bloody pregnant. 557 00:23:25,160 --> 00:23:26,240 Fuck's sake! 558 00:23:26,240 --> 00:23:27,720 I keep doing that. 559 00:23:51,600 --> 00:23:54,800 Subtitles by Red Bee Media